Eleanor Roosevelt:

The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Money, Job, Seb, Future, & Me

Last night I didn't sleep very well. Everything was going over and over in my head! Not having any money, not being able to find a job, what the future holds me for, and what effect all of this is having on my little boy!

Do children this young remember things? What mental effects has this seperation had on Seb, going back and forwards ,back and forwards from Mum to Dad?? Even though we are seperated why do i still feel like im powered by the ex? Why do I feel like im stuck here? I don't feel like I can move on because of the shared care that we have. I just feel stuck!

I still feel really lonely. I feel like even though adam and I are not together, that I am still doing this all alone. I still have no one to help me!

Im really down on myself at the moment..But why?? I just feel that with Seb that he is not getting everything that he should be. He doesn't have both his parents living with him 24/7, and a child needs that, he needs the support of both his parents at such a young age!! Im scared of what could come of this later on in his life. Maybe its just knowing how I feel and what I went through having been raised by my dad. I just feel that its like a competition with adam and I on who can do better with him. I don't want that!! Who cares really!! The way we both want him raised, we both do differently now, what will that do to him the future, knowing that one parent lets him do this and one doesnt let him do that!! Will he rebel? What happens if he hates me in the future, what happens if he is told a whole lot of shit and lies by people to make him hate me? It all scares me!!

Just to be told once " your doing such a great job with Seb" wouldn't go astray! But am I? How am I to know? By his constant smile, and energy and hapiness that he has. Or is that just an act that he puts on for us all? Is he really a happy child?? Is he doing it to make us feel better to make us believe that he is? Children are smart!!

When Adam and I were having all our problems i wrote him a poem to tell him how i was feeling. And right now I feel like this! And i want to share it with you! Im lonely and im craving love right now.

The pain that weeps from my eyes
Weeps with every broken heartbeat.
Every heart beat gets weaker and weaker
The pain is making me die inside.

Am I being selfish for craving your love?
Craving a desire I long for!
Something so rare.

To feel how i once felt
To have the passion we once shared
To know who i am again
Come save my dieing heart.

Someday that pain that weeps from my eyes
Shall turn to happy weeps.

Until that day, my pain will stay
And my heart beats weaker and weaker.

Night all


Jadey 0:-) said...

Oh Ness!!!
I am sure you are a wonderful mother. Sometimes it is much better for our kids to have one parent than have 2 parents that don't love each other. The later environment is one many kid do remember for the rest of their lives and affects their future relationships etc. WHY? Because they don't end up seeing love like they should. Unless you are a millionaire (and even when you are) Money is always going to be an issue for you. But keep your head held high. And know the times of struggle do eventually end and life will be wonderful again. Lots a love hun!

Beckie said...


You are doing a great job with Seb. I worry that Adam doesn't give him enough attention on his week. After all, he works all day doesnt he? During those times I think he could be with you.

Ness, forgive me for saying this, but I think what you are feeling right now is a massive case of women's intuition.

At this age, he should be safe in his mums arms with regular (daily)visits from his dad. Trust your gut Ness.

This isn't a game, nor is it a competition. I have no doubt Adam loves Seb, but I know damn well he is terribly competitive and controlling of you.

Lunch tomorrow? Sms me if you are able to.

cdb said...

Ness - your immense love for Seb just bursts through the screen and it is obvious, even to a stranger like me, how Seb is the most important thing in your life and how you want the best for him. These are all characteristics of a wonderful mother!
I have my fingers (toes and everything else) crossed that a great job comes up for you soon!